Monday, December 31, 2007


I finally bought myself a new phone, since my old one was dying on me at nearly every second and dropping my calls and it sucked. I was fairly attached to it, my old flip phone, though. But my new one blows the old one out of the water an amazing amount. It's still super little, way thinner, and one of the slider types. Not to mention lime green and black. It's awesome and I love it.

I have no idea what I am doing tonight. I really don't. I have to work at five, probably until about nine, so that sucks a large amount, but so far I have offers to several different parties; I just have yet to decide which one to go to. I'm hoping Anna is going to be at the same party as Jordan, but it kind of sounds like that because I think Celia is having a party...but who knows.

I'm worried, though, about Tucker. He has been acting really different around all of us; like he can't have fun because we're not always talking about getting trashed and hooking up. So if he is around us, he's sulky and quiet, unless he forgets he's supposed to be acting like that and actually really starts having fun with us, like the other night at Kevin's. And it's not because of our "break up" or whatever (since that was more of a disintegration of sorts, and which I ended up being completely fine with--India helped me get over a lot of things) and being around me---it's something else completely different.

I'm okay with everyone having other friends. We all do, in my core group of friends. But when it comes back to it, there's the group of myself, Anna, Elliot, Tucker, Kevin, Cellie, and Mary who have always stuck together, always stayed the closest. They are my best friends, and no
one has ever been able to come close in comparison of the bond that we have. I mean, sure, we all get on each other's nerves at times, all ranting about one another at different times, but it's never been an almost complete shut-out. And it really is affecting me. A lot more than it probably should. Jordan told me last night that people drift over senior year, and changes happen. This I know, I'm not blind to the fact. I've changed a lot myself over the last couple of months, I've seen it also in everyone else. But with Tucker, it almost seems like he feels he can't hang out with us because we're not 100% into the party scene, and that he has to change his entire personality in order to fit in with new people. I personally don't care if people drink. I don't do it myself, but I have a lot of friends who do, and it doesn't bother me. What does bother me is when people haven't drunk their entire lives, then suddenly they feel they must start. Which is the impression that I get from Tucker. He's obsessed with it, now. It's all he talks about, and it gets tiresome. Parties are fun to go to, or they can be. But I don't want to talk about them every single time I hang out, because there are a lot of other ways to have fun, too. It's like he's gotten the idea that the only way you can possibly have fun now is to be at a party.

And how he's been acting isn't noticed just by me. It's been everyone. Me, Anna, Rachel, Kevin, Elliot, Mary, and Cellie. And I'm really worried that after tonight, when he gets drunk (he told me a couple weeks ago that he hadn't decided yet, but I think it really meant that he had but just didn't want to tell me---which also really bothers me), he's never going to be interested in being with us ever again, that he'll forget us completely, or at least me, since I don't even go to the same school. It might be an irrational fear, but it's deeply tattooed into my mind. I'd act this way if it were any of my friends, this sudden change.

I just miss him so much, already. It's almost like I've already lost him.

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